being asexual

I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone that I’m asexual. Never looked someone in the eye and let them know that sex is terrifying and I have no idea what I’m supposed to feel when I look at people. That being said, I know what it is and I’m pretty sure it’s me.

You don’t see much about asexuality, someone once compared it to being a Hufflepuff but that doesn’t work now that Newt was a Hufflepuff. If anything, being asexual is like being a Ravenclaw because we have only Luna and barely anyone gives her the respect she deserves, plus I’m also a Ravenclaw. As I was saying, asexuality is something I had to learn from a friend with a tumblr.

Asexual means that I have no sexual feelings or desires. This does not mean that I am not romantically attracted to people, though I’m debating that as well. Also people who are asexual might someday have sex, it’s not a given that they won’t, it will just be more for their partner than themselves. That being said, I haven’t experienced it myself so this is me relaying the information I’ve read from other asexuals.

There was a conversation between me and another girl earlier this year. She asked me what my favorite date was and I had to tell her that I haven’t gone on any. I’m just not interested. So, she said it nice and loud in front of my friend and a bunch of other people:

“Are you asexual?”

My face went red and everything was just kind of hot. I’m not sure why this was my immediate reaction but for some reason shame was all that manifested as I nodded slowly in response. It was like being outed but at the same time I was also struggling to accept that it was true.

What if I’m not really asexual? Should I be going around and telling people I’m asexual if someday I’m just going to find out that I’m demisexual or just completely normal and pretending not to be? It’s confusing. How can I say that I am something if I’m not even sure if it’s true? It’s a conundrum.

Being asexual isn’t something that most people have to announce so I don’t know if it’s something I’m supposed to be keeping secret. Am I supposed to be concerned about how people respond to this news? People always focus on those who are gay, lesbian, bi, pan or trans, no one ever mentions those who are asexual or demisexual. We don’t exist. It’s good in the way that we aren’t harrassed, just weird that I now don’t know if I need to also be on edge.

It’s just a mess inside my head and there really isn’t anyone to talk to about it. No one ever says they are asexual. Something is lacking and I don’t know what to do about that. I know it’s not something wrong with me, but sometimes it definitely feels like it.

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